Jasper's Penance: Taming The Beast Within
by Saritadreaming
Summary: Jasper's struggle with his inner beast beginning in New Moon at Bella's birthday party. After the Cullens leave Forks, Jasper decides to go back to watch over Bella and do his penance. One Shot FFFW November "Ecstasy of Empathy" contest winner.


**A/N: This is from Jasper's POV and takes place at Bella's birthday party in New Moon when she cuts her finger. It was the winner of the FFFW November "Ecstasy of Empathy" one shot contest.**

**Thanks to my beta Ashley (Ms Skittles) as always for her awesome beta skills and encouragement! I almost didn't write this at all...tee hee.**

***New! See the banner for this story on my profile.**

***  
**

**Jasper's POV**

***  
**

One drop of blood. Ruby red blood. Splash! - it hit the carpet. All sound ceased to exist except for the liquid squish of that one drop on the carpet fibers – it came to me as loud as a scream, echoing in my head. The scent hit me like a freight train at full speed and counting. Time stopped, sound stopped, my mind stilled. The burning that was always present in my throat turned up as the furnace was stoked by the amplification of every other vampire present in the room. Flames licked up my throat, a relentless burn that grew stronger until I could take no more. There was no conscious thought happening, my predator instinct took over and a small part of me watched in growing horror as I realized what was about to happen. It was a very small part, an observer, trapped by the inner beast. Any protest I made died on my lips as the beast turned and laughed at me, offering a little wave as he went off to cause mayhem.

The beast changed his mind and grabbed me, dragging me kicking and screaming along for the ride. He wasn't allowing me to hide in that dark corner where I could pretend that I didn't participate in the carnage that was about to take place. There would be no way out for me, he was tired of being locked away and as retribution he was now holding me captive, dragging me along on his plundering expedition.

NO! I screamed inside.

YES! The beast roared back licking his lips lasciviously. OH YES! WE WILL DRINK HER BLOOD AND IT WILL TASTE SO GOOD. YOU HAVE DENIED ME LONG ENOUGH WITH THIS WUSSY LIFESTYLE.

PLEASE. I begged.

I ABHOR WEAKNESS, BEGGING ONLY MAKES ME WANT TO DESTROY YOU ALL THE MORE. AHHHAAAHAAAHAAA! He threw back his head laughing as he merged us into one being and I could speak no more.

"NO!" Edward roared, reading my thoughts a split second before I came for her. He threw Bella back out of my reach, placing himself in my path.

Lunging for Bella, I hit Edward's body. Hard.

OUT OF MY WAY! LET ME HAVE HER! The beast slathered, teeth snapping.

I could hear the tinkling of glass as she crashed into the table she was tossed into, could hear the slicing of her tender flesh as it opened up and let more blood flow.

More blood! The smell of her blood flowing hit me along with the burning in the throats of the rest of my family. My throat went from licking flames to molten lava. Even the beast was having a hard time with coherence.

GOTTA HAVE HER, GOTTA HAVE HER, GOTTA HAVE HER!

Emmett pinned my arms from behind and I continued to struggle hard, then harder. Although he was much larger than me, I almost slipped him in my fervent desire to drink the blood that was flowing, soaking into the carpet, going to waste.

Edward was stark raving mad – but the beast was madder. I gnashed my teeth in his face, trying to do damage to anyone, anything that stood in between me and that fine wine that was flowing.

My body shook and quivered violently, not caring what anyone thought of me. Dismissing the fear in the girl's eyes - I could no longer think of her name – I was reduced to my animal nature. The smell of my prey overwhelmed me and there were others trying to keep me from it. How dare they!

My brother was growling at me, keeping me from my meal, protecting the food. What silliness was this? I had to get to it; I had to be the one to have it.

NO! HE CAN'T DO THIS, CAN'T TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME! The beast roared as I was dragged from the room.

As the cool night air hit me, the smell of the blood dissipated. It was probably very similar to coming down from a drug high. The beast screamed in frustration, holding tight to me, but slowly – ever so slowly – losing his grip.

YOU THINK YOU'VE WON? YOU ARE WEAK. I WILL BE BACK, NOTHING CAN STOP ME! The beast threatened as he was pushed back into his cage. He rattled the bars hard, growling and snapping, but I knew it was all for show at this point.

I took a deep breath, coming back to myself. Oh. God. What did I do? I tried to kill Bella! The love of Edward's life. A sister to the rest of us, daughter to Carlisle and Esme.

A huge wave of disapproval and disappointment rolled off of Emmett, enveloping me. Rose was simply her smug self righteous self, her feelings said "I told you so!".

Alice came outside, eyes glazing over. "It's okay now Emmett, you can let him go," she said quietly.

Emmett let go of his hold on me. Rose hissed in my face for good measure.

There was nothing but love coming from Alice and I couldn't stand it, I didn't deserve her unconditional love after what I'd just done!

The pain I could feel emanating from the house, from Edward, was devastating. A mixture of guilt, self loathing, anger...defeat.

Esme's heart was broken as she came outside, unable to be in the room with Bella's spilled blood any longer. Her shame, heartbreak, sympathy washed over me.

A mixture of disapproval and sympathy radiated from Emmett. He'd made slip ups that he deeply regretted, he probably understood better than any of the others.

The beast rattled his cage, calling me names.

It all became too much and I took off running. Maybe I couldn't escape my own feelings, but I could get away from the others before I imploded. The trees passed by in a blur, the air rushing through my hair. I calmed down slowly but surely and as long as I kept running, I could ignore the beast, ignore most of my feelings.

A moment came when I sensed a ball of anger rushing up behind me. Edward. I could never hope to outrun Edward on a good day, certainly not when he was angry. I decided not to try and so I stopped and sat on a large boulder, waiting for my punishment – which I deserved. Nothing he did could be too harsh after I tried to harm the love of his life. If anyone ever went after Alice, I would hunt them down and end them.

I sat upon the boulder, eyes closed, a feeling of resignation enveloping me. I waited for Edward and his justice.

Soon enough, I could hear him approaching fast and then I was airborne. I flew backwards off the boulder and found myself pinned to a tree, Edward's snarling face in mine.

"Why Jasper?!"

I'M SO SORRY EDWARD, SO SORRY, SO SORRY. I LOST ALL CONTROL, ALL REASON. LET ME SHOW YOU PLEASE.

I was unable to speak, he read my thoughts. I showed him the beast, what happened, what I experienced.

He dropped me to the ground, stepping back, head hanging.

IT'S OKAY EDWARD IF YOU WANT TO HURT ME, I DESERVE IT. IF YOU WANT TO KILL ME, I UNDERSTAND. I JUST WORRY ABOUT ALICE...

"I'm not going to kill you Jasper." Edward whispered. He fell to his knees, head in his hands and sobbed. The feelings that came off him were confusing. Extreme guilt and grieving, self loathing.

"Edward, I'm confused. Why do **you** feel guilty?"

"Jasper, I brought her into our lives! I never should have begun a relationship with a human. I don't know what I was thinking and look at the things that have happened to her. This wasn't YOUR fault, this was MY fault! You are only doing what is in your nature. I have forced everyone into an unnatural situation. I have to fix this." He jammed his fists into his eyes, rocking back and forth.

"Fix it how?"

"Leave. We have to leave." He sobbed brokenly, crossing his arms over his long dead heart as though trying to keep it from falling out of his chest.

"No! Edward, no. There must be another way."

"There isn't. I've made up my mind."

And he had. That is how we came to leave Forks. Edward didn't come with us. He went off on his own, making us all promise to have no contact with Bella.

Wracked with guilt despite what everyone said to the contrary, I too decided I needed to be on my own for a while. Alice was distraught, but she saw me going before I spoke and decided not to fight me.

"I love you darlin'." I whispered in her hair. "I will be back."

"I know, I love you too Jasper. Don't leave me alone too long okay?"

Then I did something that I knew would anger Edward if he found out. I went back to Forks. I had to know what happened with Bella, wanted to look out for her and make sure she was okay. She wasn't.

The night I came back was the hardest night I can ever remember. Bella's grief could be felt far and wide. Out in the woods behind her house, I fell to the ground and rolled around with her pain. She felt worthless and empty, like there were years stretching ahead of her filled with nothing. I didn't dare send calm over her because she might know I was there. Besides, I felt it was fair for me to go through the pain with her.

Day after day, night after night, I writhed on the ground in pain. I felt the hole that opened up in her chest open in mine, how she was barely able to breathe, the way certain things seemed to rip open the wound and pour salt in it. I shadowed her wherever she went, absorbing, suffering with her gladly.

After a time, Bella struck up a friendship with a Quileute boy. He made her happy - for the first time, she actually started to smile a little here and there. It was obvious to me – but not Bella – that he was in love with her. He would do anything for her, had a fierce desire to protect her. When Bella grew upset about Edward, the boy grew extremely angry – even murderous.

They started riding motorcycles, spending all their time together. Bella was always on the reservation (where I didn't dare to go), or they studied at her house, went to the movies.

One day it abruptly came to an end. The boy stopped coming around. Bella tried to go see him, to call him and was turned away. It was very curious, because I knew that he loved her. Not daring to cross the Quileute border, I couldn't investigate further.

Bella fell into a depression and I suffered along with her. A new hole ripped open within the one already present. I wished there was something I could do!

One night she came back from the reservation, broken and lonely. She must have tried to see him and he rejected her. I risked getting a little bit closer to the house and I could hear Charlie arguing with someone on the phone. He referenced someone named Jacob and I figured this was the name of the Quileute boy that hurt her.

When Bella got into bed that night, she cried herself to sleep. It sounded like she shoved her fist in her mouth to try to dampen the sound of her sobs. I sobbed along with her. Depression dragged her deeper in and I went over the side of the abyss with her. The beast laughed at me and I slapped him, knocking out some of his teeth. He was quiet after that.

Later that night, Jacob came to Bella's house and scaled the tree outside. When she opened the window, he slipped inside.

The feelings coming off him were frustration and a strong desire to share information. He felt shackled, as though there was an invisible hand over his mouth. It was the strangest thing! Eventually, he left dissatisfied but vaguely hopeful.

Sitting against a tree, I wondered what was going on. Something was definitely strange about this whole thing. I could hear Bella settling herself back in bed, feeling confusion rolling off her in waves. Gradually, the confusion subsided and she drifted off. Although vampires don't sleep, I drifted as well. It was gut wrenching living with Bella's feelings all the time, although I gladly suffered this with her. She was amazingly strong to be able to continue on day after day.

In my reverie, I wasn't paying attention and they were able to sneak up on me. A deep growling came from several places all at once. My eyes popped open wide and I leaped into a crouch. Four pairs of eyes glinted in the night, all trained on my every move. Four wolves working as one, seemingly able to communicate without seeing one another. The feeling that poured off them was anger at my intrusion followed closely by curiosity.

Holding out my hands in supplication, I straightened up, trying to diffuse the situation. I knew I didn't have a chance against four werewolves. "Can we speak? I have broken no treaty, this is neutral land."

One of the wolves padded into the treeline, phased back to his human form and returned. "I am Sam, the pack's Alpha. You are a Cullen are you not?"

"Yes. My name is Jasper."

"You are correct, this IS neutral territory. Can you please explain to me why you are hanging around in the woods outside Bella's home and why we can smell **you **everywhere she has been recently - with the exception of the reservation?"

Hanging my head, I muttered. "Penance."

"Pardon me?" Sam's eyebrows lifted in surprise, obviously not the answer he was expecting.

"I am an empath, I can sense the feelings of others. I came back to watch over Bella, to make sure she was safe and...to do my penance. I have suffered with her every day for the past few months."

"But why? What have you done wrong? It was Edward who left her."

A low growl issued from a red-brown wolf to my right, which Sam silenced with a pointed look.

I closed my eyes, as I explained what happened at Bella's birthday all those months ago. As I came to the part where I lunged for Bella, the red-brown wolf yelped in fury and started towards me.

"Jacob!" Sam barked out.

I could feel intense hatred rolling off of Jacob.

"Jacob?!" I hissed. "That is the secret you are hiding from Bella? YOU are Jacob?" I addressed the red-brown wolf, who was now held back only by the command from his Alpha.

"You will **not** address him leech. I speak for this pack." Sam suddenly grew serious. "Biting a human makes the treaty null and void."

"I did NOT bite her. I have not physically harmed her. If you are looking for a way to get around the treaty, just be honest about it." My golden eyes blazed into Sam's black ones.

The other two wolves growled, moving in closer. Sam held his hand up. "Stop. We will not break the treaty and give YOUR kind reason to return here to avenge you. But I want you out of here. Bella is under OUR protection now, her house and the surrounding area is now protected under the treaty. Consider your penance over."

"Agreed, I will leave. However, I will **not** agree that the treaty rules have changed. That would be between you and Carlisle, it is not for me to decide. I'm sorry if I have caused any undue concern, it was not my intent." I bowed my head.

"Go in peace Jasper. I think what you have to live with is more punishment than anything we could mete out. I have to admire your sacrifice; it must be very difficult with your gift." Sam's voice held what almost sounded like respect. Almost.

"Thank you Sam and the rest of the pack. I will be going now."

*

*

Before I could return to my family, I needed to be alone for a time to unwind and allow Bella's feelings, which had soaked me to the bone these past months, to dissipate. I hunted and frolicked, trying to get back to the Jasper that I recognized – that my love would know. There came a day that I felt confident that I was ready to rejoin life.

When I returned to the family, I found Alice gone. Rosalie couldn't meet my eyes and I felt waves of regret coming off her. Emmett was not his usual happy self, Esme was wringing her hands. Even Carlisle's usual calm exterior was fractured.

"What's happened to my Alice??" I asked with trepidation.

Carlisle shook his head. "Alice is fine, son. It's Edward. He thinks Bella is dead and has gone to the Volturi to end his life. Alice is going to try to stop him. Alice and Bella are on their way to Italy right now..."


End file.
